Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I know exactly what it's like to not have a penny. I know exactly what it's like trying to get a job. I know exactly what it's like having bloody one tin of Ambrosia left in the cupboard. But I know I can survive.

I couldn't make ends meet. I tried Red Lobster. I tried Wal-Mart. I tried all these places and I couldn't make it. I couldn't. So, I tried this gentlemen's club, and, you know, I worked there, and it was just awful in those places. It was terrible.

When you haven't got a job, a joke is about the only thing that's free.

My aunts lived on liquor and seldom felt like eating much. I don't know what's wrong about a kid stealing when he's hungry.

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.

When I was a kid my family was really poor and I remember one Halloween I wanted to dress up really scary and my parents came home with a duck costume. I wore that costume for years! I hated it.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Here’s my most funniest joke, I’m broke.

No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Kids do say the darndest things

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

As a kid, I can't remember having anything to play with except a loose tooth. And that wasn't mine. It was my brother's.

When I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless, I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?

We were broke in a way that only kids can be broke. Our toes were black with dye from wearing boots that weren't waterproof. We had infected ear lobes and green rings around our fingers from cheap jewelry. No one ever even had a chocolate bar.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

Poverty makes it very difficult in an already competitive world for kids to get on a straight track where they can actually love learning.

I grew up as a kid with very little. I could enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or peanut butter crackers.

Do I gotta go sell me a whole lotta crack for decent shelter and clothes on my back?