Dave Barry Quotes

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

Why is it that I notice so many brilliant scientists using Macs for their personal computers; why does the Lawrence Livermore & Berkeley Labs buy millions of dollars worth of Macs?

Not to go too far, but Microsoft is probably used by most people out there.

I'm too old-fashioned to use a computer. I'm too old-fashioned to use a quill.

People everywhere love Windows.

Windows is the best place; it's the home for the very best Microsoft experiences.

My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.

Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association.

Even today, well-brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.

Windows 95 is what Rube Goldberg would have designed if he'd studied cartooning at M.I.T.

Poetic simile was strictly limited to statements like 'his mighty steed was as fleet as the wind on a fairly calm day, say about Force Three,' and any loose talk about a beloved having a face that launched a thousand ships would have to be backed by evidence that the object of desire did indeed look like a bottle of champagne.

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

This is insane," I said blankly. "I'm the instrument of an all-powerful primordial deity's wave of chaos and destruction." "That's kind of extreme" said Dante jovially. "It's not like you work for Google or anything.

The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

He who has never envied the vegetable has missed the human drama.

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

...your Web browser is Ronald Reagan.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.

She was, in fact, quite a pleasant looking girl, even if her bosom had clearly been intended for a girl two feet taller; but she was not Her. The Egregious Professor of Grammar and Usage would have corrected this to "she was not she," which would have caused the Professor of Logic to spit out his drink.

Why, did you know that if a beaver two feet long with a tail a foot and a half long can build a dam twelve feet high and six feet wide in two days, all you would need to build Boulder Dam is a beaver sixty-eight feet long with a fifty-one-foot tail?" "Where would you find a beaver that big?" grumbled the Humbug as his pencil point snapped. "I'm sure I don't know," he replied, "but if you did, you'd certainly know what to do with him.

I loved him, officer. More than any woman ever loved an egg.