Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I cook anything but chitlins.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

My mother made a lot of things because she thought they'd be healthy for us. There were some very unfortunate experiences with whole wheat bread and bananas. I always tried to get rid of that sandwich and eat one of my friends' lunches.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I also avoid green vegetables. They're grossly overrated.

I'm a huge fan of Adam Sandler and used to have Adam Sandler nights when I was younger. And he's so funny on the set.

The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you?

The trouble with improv is that it is often about being funny in the moment without any real consideration for the bigger picture.

For doing comedy, a sense of humor is a must!

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

So Stephanie.. you wanna say let the bodies hit the floor... I would say... let the boobies hit the floor!

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

There's a difference between a sense of humor and a sense of funny. A sense of humor is knowing what makes you laugh and a sense of funny is knowing what makes other people laugh. The journey of comedy, in a sense, is negotiating those two worlds.

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.

Robin Williams, another person I didn't know. He is genuinely hilarious.

Everybody needs some good sketch comedy.

Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.