Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

A hippo sandwich is easy to make. All you do is simply take one slice of bread, one slice of cake, some mayonnaise, one onion ring, one hippopotamus, one piece of string, a dash of pepper. That ought to do it. And now comes the problem... biting into it!

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

What is ridiculous about human beings, Doctor,' the prince said, 'is actually their total incapacity to be ridiculous

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Absurdity is what I like most in life.

Why, did you know that if a beaver two feet long with a tail a foot and a half long can build a dam twelve feet high and six feet wide in two days, all you would need to build Boulder Dam is a beaver sixty-eight feet long with a fifty-one-foot tail?" "Where would you find a beaver that big?" grumbled the Humbug as his pencil point snapped. "I'm sure I don't know," he replied, "but if you did, you'd certainly know what to do with him.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My hair is made of actual fire, you guys.

The Cha-Cha is no more ridiculous than life itself.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?