Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Satan, that great angler, hath his sundry baits for sundry tempers of men, which they all catch greedily at, but few perceive the hook till it be too late.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

Every great story seems to begin with a snake.

On Halloween, don't you know back when you were little, your mom tells you don't eat any candy until she checks it? I used to be so tempted to eat my candy on the way to other people's houses. That used to be such a tease.

Consumer society tantalises us. We then try within ourselves to control the needs that are being constantly stimulated.

I thought I was funny as a kid. I used to play tricks on my brothers - I'd tie a two-shilling piece to a bit of cotton, then pull it away as they went to grab it.

Usually bad guys are much more fun to play and much more interesting to watch.

I love to fool you once, I love to fool you twice, I love to fool you a third time. And just when you think it's all over, I have what I call that Carrie hand-out-of-the-grave moment. Just when you think it's all over, I'm going to hit you with just one more. I can't help myself.

To beguile is to deceive or lead astray, as Lucifer beguiled Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Illusion is the dust the devil throws in the eyes of the foolish

The ingenuity of these people is singular in their secret modes of mischief.

I pretend to be a gentleman, and, when the other fellow finds out, it is too late.

In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is.

Lucifer is a master at gradual deception.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I would spend a lot of time setting up an accident scene where it appeared that I had seriously hurt myself - hedge-cutter, ketchup, that sort of thing. When my sister happened upon the scene of horror, I would lift my head and pathetically plead for her to 'get Mum'.

The biggest mistake you can make with a prank show is remove the 'real' element, which is the funniest thing.

I prank my manager. I tell him I've lost my passport, or I've lost my case, or I hide his case. He is so gullible, he is the most gullible person ever.

I think that everybody likes the bad guy.

I kind of want to start doing some prank calls.

I would say the best trick I've pulled was putting salt instead of sugar in Phil Neville's tea.

I have always been kind of really good at faking the sick voice, and I never really realized it because I would never use that power for evil.

The Devil is fun.

Both Matilda and Lavender were enthralled. It was quite clear to them that they were at this moment standing in the presence of a master. Here was somebody who had brought the art of skulduggery to the highest point of perfection, somebody, moreover, who was willing to risk life and limb in pursuit of her calling. They gazed in wonder at this goddess, and suddenly even the boil on her nose was no longer a blemish but a badge of courage.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.