Chelsea Handler Quotes

Sending Paris Hilton to jail for being the most loathed celeprosy lesion in the history of the species seems like a happening idea at first - forty-five days at Century Regional Detention Center is so the new thirty days at Promises Malibu! But it sets a dangerous precedent to jail celebs just because someone hates them.

For the past two years, the only thing the 'Idol' machine has been doing has been maliciously attacking my name.

It's true I didn't get a fair trial, but the problem is people don't understand the details. It is important to understand the details of the trial and why I'm not guilty under the charges that were brought against me.

My first quote was, I don't want to hurt God's people. Jim Bakker's quote was, I was set up by a female.

The practice of shaving makes its first appearance in the Bible in connection with the story of Joseph, who as a young man was sold by his brothers into slavery in Egypt, where he was subsequently imprisoned on false charges.

Some people are saying, 'Justin Bieber is racist.' Is he? I don't know.

It is a lie that I made the people starve. A lie, a lie in my face. This shows how little patriotism there is, how many treasonable offenses were committed.… At no point was there such an upswing, so much construction, so much consolidation in the Romanian provinces. I guaranteed that every village has its schools, hospitals and doctors. I have done everything to create a decent and rich life for the people in the country, like in no other country in the world.

When Oliver Stone and Woody Allen came forward to express sympathy for Mr. Weinstein, everybody rolled their eyes at them, too.

I have been accused of many crimes. A TV channel even put up a show called 'Sins of Asin!'

It's common knowledge that most of the guys at Guantanamo are nobodies. Many were turned in by bounty hunters.

I don't read or watch anything that has to do with Lindsay Lohan.

We can be hindered in our development and our personal growth by political conditions. Outer circumstances can constrain us. Only when we are free to develop our innate abilities can we live as free beings. But we are just as much determined by inner potential and outer opportunities as the Stone Age boy on the Rhine, the lion in Africa, or the apple tree in the garden.

Well, well, my boy, if good luck knocks at your door, don't you put your head out at window and tell it to be gone about its business, that's all.

When we qualify for the help of the Lord, we can build boys, we can mend men, we can accomplish miracles in His holy service. Our opportunities are without limit.

...I swore I would battle not only for myself but for freedom and opportunity for everything living that wore chains, especially sex chains. It that meant poverty for myself and my boy then poverty we should have to suffer. If it meant social ostracism, if it meant relinquishing the literary success that lay within my grasp, then let the success go.

When John Travolta had the opportunity to do The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, he brought me and a couple other people from the movie to just be the students and have some parts, because he wanted to help us out. I thought that was really sweet.

Hey @justinbieber, how much are you paying your friend for pretending that it was HIS cocaine, and taking the fall for you?

Boy, it's a tough planet if you want it to be. But a great planet if you let it.

My country owes me nothing. It gave me, as it gives every boy and girl, a chance. It gave me schooling, independence of action, opportunity for service and honor.

I know you want it, boy. I see you tryin. Just keep on pushin, I'm a let you slide in.

A city is the place of availabilities. It is the place where a small boy, as he walks through it, may see something that will tell him what he wants to do his whole life.

You get to go and play with the big boys, it's a very privileged thing for us to do. So I'm sure we have more ideas than what I actually have time for.

There was a lot of tabloid journalism about my supposed sex addiction. Bullshit. It's all bullshit. I mean, come on, I never pretended to be a saint. But give me a break.

Don't miss the bus, boy. You're missing a lot of things in the world, better not miss that bus.

Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved.