SETH MEYERS

I'm a terrible grocery shopper. I hardly ever do it. And if I do, there's never more than three things in the bag.

I love cheese plates. Though I actually hate cheese plates. Because I can't say no to them.

'SNL' after-parties are sort of like a time to celebrate your successes and drown your sorrows, depending on how the show went for you.

Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy.

My mother is an incredibly beautiful woman who has laughed at every single thing my father's ever said. At a young age, my brother and I understood that if you can make girls laugh, you can punch well above your weight class.

People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes.

The nice thing about anger is that, as an emotion, it's strong enough to unplug me from the comedian's mind for a minute and just be a frustrated member of the citizenry.

It's weird to sit as a comedian. Being still drives me crazy.

The first time I had disposable income, the two things I cared most about were a television and a couch.

I enjoy talking about politics a great deal.

I'm strictly a sugar-free Red Bull guy. I'd rather enjoy my sugar intake elsewhere.

It's nice when I get offered small parts. But I really think that 'SNL' is what my skill set is best designed for.

When my girlfriend and I talk about being happy, I'll get choked up, which I think is the greatest gift you can give a girlfriend.

My father is sort of the jokester. My dad is still the funniest guy in our family.

If Donald Trump ran for President, it would be great for us comedians. It would not be good for anybody else, but it would be terrific for us.

[Donald] Trump is a Magic 8 Ball. Shake it up and you get one answer. Shake it again and you get something completely different.

Donald Trump has been saying that he will run for president as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke.

I would love to interview Sean Spicer.

The hands are the feet of the arms.

I did not go into comedy to escape anything. I went into comedy because I had parents who thought it was a reputable way to earn a living.

People say, 'Oh, you're doing the job of journalists.' I think it's very important to note that we can't do our job without journalists. Journalists can do their job without late-night comedians. They'd be just fine without us. But we, of course, use their work every day to build our pieces.

My 'SNL' days of working through the night have come and gone.

I don't get the conga line started. I'm not a great choice if the goal of the evening is just a celebration. But if we're going to talk about what's been going on lately, then I can bring something to the table.

I was very much aiming to go into movies eventually, like a lot of 'SNL' people. But, soon after I arrived, all these really good actors started, like Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis and Andy Samberg, and I thought, 'If I were casting a movie, I would put all of them in it over me.'

The Earth will be around for a long time before you have a funnier president than Obama. He has a stand-up's cadence and the awareness and ability to make jokes about himself before comedians can. That's a page almost every politician should try to take from his book.