SEAN LOCK

Real men don't listen. I think you can waste a lot of valuable time listening to what people are saying to you and, let's face it, it's rarely interesting or important.

I have my suits especially made in 50 per cent polyester. That way when I'm going to a gig I can just stuff them in a bag, whip them out and they don't looked creased when I'm on stage.

I have no problem with people coming up to me and telling me they enjoy my work, what's weird is when you sense people noticing you, nudging each other, and you're not anonymous any more. You just feel exposed.

It's fantastic to be at the back of a theatre and to think, 'These people have come to see me.'

I spent a large part of my 20s and 30s living in different places, including tower blocks.

If you're over 22, getting a tattoo and you don't do work that involves tools you should be ashamed of yourself!

People ask me about my influences and I say all the comedians in the 1970s and Dave Allen was a massive influence and a very big influence on a lot of modern comics.

Ron Mueck's 'Dead Dad' was fantastic. It was an almost exact replica of his dead dad's body, shrunk to be a third of the size, a very powerful sculpture.

I did once have a MySpace site but it was like a badly tended grave.

I try not to be one particular type of comedian - I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite angry and sarcastic and dry.

Touring can be quite a dull life.

I just did loads of dead-end jobs and a lot of travelling - just farting around, really. I had quite a lot of fun, but I've got no qualifications, no skills.

I never moisturised until I got skin cancer. It totally changed my opinion on moisturising. I used to think using a face protector was a bit of a girly thing, now I've worked out it's actually essential to keep your skin healthy.

I'm the master at publicity.

To write anything decent, it's hard. Anything you want to be good is hard.

There's an elusive element to comedy, but nobody gets it for free. That's why comedians seldom criticise each other.

I would describe my driving style as calm authority, but my wife would call it demented. In my defence I've got a clean licence so probably the best way to describe it is crafty.

I never go in the sun without a shirt on and always use a moisturiser with an SPF every day on my face.

I'm hoping I don't get Alzheimer's.

A real man doesn't know what cellulite is. Until I was 30 I thought cellulite was a building material used for restoring plasterwork in stately homes.

Billy Connolly is probably the greatest stand-up this country has ever produced and he swears all the time.

I liken all jobs to decorating. If you don't do the preparation, sand down and prime first, you won't get a good paint job, and that's the same as everything in life.

If you like Harry Hill, you'd really like Tony Law. He's a Canadian comic who's done a few appearances on 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' and '8 out of 10 Cats.' Nobody else could do his stand-up; it's very idiosyncratic, very daft, very silly, but really well structured.

Here's a message to all the employers out there reading this: if a comedian comes to you having given up comedy and wants a job; don't employ them. They're utterly feckless and incapable of handling any kind of responsibility. Fact.

Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.