RED SKELTON

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

I left home because I was hungry.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.