Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler is an American comedian.
