Witty Response Quotes

My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

I remember once in high school the umpire called me out at third base when I was sure I was safe. I got so mad I took out my glass eye, handed it to him and said, 'Try this.' I got such a laugh you wouldn't believe.

I can be just as effective with a quick retort or a one-liner than with a big paragraph.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

You're late," she said, tapping her watch. "No, you're just early.

How does it feel to be a woman minister? I don't know; I've never been a man minister.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay.

[about her offer of a Swedish massage] Alex: You're not Swedish. Brittany: Yeah, well, neither are you. So if I do it wrong you'll never know the difference.

Make-up? What happened? You look almost female." "Thanks. You look almost straight.

Now I see some family resemblance. I was starting to wonder if Jill was adopted, but you two kind of look like each other." "So does our mailman back in North Dakota," said Adrian.

That evening I rode downtown on an unaccountably empty bus, sitting in the last row. At the front I saw a thin cloud of smoke rising around the driver’s head. ‘Hey, bus driver,’ I said. ‘Can I smoke?’ ‘May I,’ said the bus driver. ‘I love you,’ I said.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

My mind reels with sarcastic replies.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

When people ask me, 'Why don't you drink?' I usually smile and say 'Because I'm not good at it.'

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

If someone asks a stupid question, you can only give a stupid answer or appear arrogant.

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

I was asked once,'your a smart man,why arnt you rich?I replied 'your a rich man,why arnt you smart?