When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream.
Oh yeah, this was so comforting. Like a porcupine in a condom factory.’ (Danger)
Debbie Reynolds is as wistful as an iron foundry.
Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
I thought Ted Cruz was more fun than Carly Fiorina. And I never thought I would ever say the words, 'Ted Cruz was more fun.'
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Women are sort of like motorcycle gangs with me. They get really shy and polite. I don't know why.
My Facebook page confuses a lot of people. I'll post a Beyoncé Knowles song, and, people are like, "What are you doing?! This is bullshit," and I'm like, "No! Beyoncé is the Linda Ronstadt of our day, you don't understand!"
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
