I wasn't a social drinker. I used to say that I didn't want to go to bars because they were full of assholes like me.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nick is 11 and a half years younger than I am, so his mom is only, like, 11 or 12 years older than me. I didn't call her Mrs. Offerman because that would be weird because we're, like, the same age, so I think I went straight to Cathy, but there's a mom element, and his parents are so great.
I never really consider myself an awkward person, but once I got into stand-up, I kept hearing that word. The only thing I can trace it back to is that my mom had a similar sensibility. She always made people uncomfortable.
If you believe that there’s a heaven and hell and people could be going to hell—or not getting eternal life or whatever—and you think that, well, it’s not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward. . . . How much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize? How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that?
Whenever I have talked to anyone at too great length, I am like a man who has drunk too much, and ashamed, doesn't know where to put himself.
I'm terrible with big parties.
I'm a germ-phobe when I meet a lot of people or shake a lot of hands. I always have hand sanitizer and alcohol swabs so I can sort of go back and forth between the two.
I don't know how to be sexy on a date. Put up a camera and a wind machine, and I'll give you sexy. Put me at a dinner table with some candlelight and the moon shining in and, oh, I will give you dork.
I just don't have this magnetic personality that everyone is drawn to. I don't make friends easily... I'm just not one of those people.
I was a Vietnamese kid with a mullet hair cut. I had all Westie mates, and, geez, a Vietnamese guy with a mullet doesn't work; no wonder I couldn't get a girlfriend for so many years.
It's hard for me to pry with people I know.
I was shy at school.
Mama was always saying I was a brain snob, that I didn't like people who didn't think. I didn't know if that was snobby. Who wanted to walk around explaining everything to people all the time?
I'm shy. I'm not sociable. I'm very insecure.
Fools are in great demand, especially on social occasions. They embarrass everyone but provide material for conversation. In their positive form, they become diplomats.
In general I do not draw well with literary men -- not that I dislike them but I never know what to say to them after I have praised their last publication.
I feel like a lot of creative people are socially awkward.
My first college roommate greeted me with a shocked silence followed by, 'So... you're black.'
When I was four I joined a group of girls who were talking about their party dresses. I thought they were imagining, so I imagined a fantastic pink velvet dress with lots of jewels. But they were simply describing what they actually wore, and they had utter contempt for my obvious fiction. After that, I never joined a group again.
Often people who are wonderful with animals aren't always terribly good with human beings.
I was terrible at sport at school. I was fat, which made things slightly tougher, but it also meant that people were encouraging to the point of patronising.
I was painfully shy as a child.
Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes?
Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.
