Aging Humor Quotes

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

As a friend once pointed out, the crotchety dowagers do tend to get all the best lines. That may be why I have so many of them in my books.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

My favorite dance move is the 'Old Man.'

Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!

I always say now that I'm in my blonde years. Because since the end of my marriage, all of my girlfriends have been blonde.

You know, I don't feel fifty. I feel not a day over forty-nine. It's incredible. I'm bouncy, I feel bouncy.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I think it's a wonderful thing, turning 50. I think everyone should do it at least once.

Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.'

I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, “I’m in the clear for at least 10 more years.”

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

The three ages of man: youth, middle age and 'my word you do look well'.

Biologically, I'm 10. Chronologically, I'm 33. In hockey years, I'm 66.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

It is so comic to hear oneself called old, even at ninety I suppose!

My life was once whiskey, tears and cigarettes... now it's snot, tears and a color of poop. Bliss. I do miss the whiskey, though.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.