OGDEN NASH

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Too clever is dumb.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.