Amy Schumer Quotes

I mean, really: what kind of person could possibly dislike me?

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.

Of course I want to look good in clothes. And it never makes me feel good when somebody who has an insane figure tells me, 'I eat whatever I want.'

I don't want someone photographing my cellulite - I can't take it!

Having a leading man who is actually prettier than you are is quite upsetting.

Glamour cannot exist without personal social envy being a common and widespread emotion.

Kids can be harsh, especially when they get jealous.

I hate what I look like on TV, and I want to look better, and nothing makes the mothers more jealous.

I feel like, especially being around other girls, it's really easy to start picking yourself apart and being like, 'Wow, she looks better than me.'

I'm very selfish! I'm only thinking about how I would look in clothes, and not how we as a society might appear in those clothes.

Jealous?...Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself.

Nature made every fop to plague his brother, Just as one beauty mortifies another.

There is more jealousy between rival wits than rival beauties, for vanity has no sex. But in both cases there must be pretensions, or there will be no jealousy.

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.

Nice dress Zoey. It looks just like mine. Oh, wait! It used to be mine. Aphrodite laughed a throaty, I'm-so-grown-and-you're-just-a-kid laugh. I really hate it when girls do that.I mean, yes, she's older, but I have boobs, too.

As an adult I generally feel this pressure to be thin, not from men, but from other women. As a silent or not-so-silent competition, a constant monitoring of who's thinner, comments about it - either compliments or veiled insults doesn't matter - it always drives me nuts.

Because of jealousy you are in constant suffering; you become mean to others. And because of jealousy you start becoming phony, because you start pretending. You start pretending things that you don't have, you start pretending things which you CAN'T have, which are not natural to you. You become more and more artificial. Imitating others, competing with others, what else can you do? If somebody has something and you don't have it, and you don't have a natural possibility of having it, the only way is to have some cheap substitute for it.

When we get to A League Of Their Own, I have to be Geena Davis' little sister who wants to be like her and wants everything that she has and is jealous and upset and mad. Well, that was easy. I mean, she has an Academy Award. I think I can be upset about that. She's 99 feet tall and she's drop-dead gorgeous and she's all feminine and pretty. I had to pretend I couldn't run as fast as her. That was hard.

They’re ogling you, dude. Talking about your assets and the fact that you’re nauseatingly ripped, which I would have been had I not bit the dust at seventeen. I’m forever trapped in my tall, gangly phase. (Jesse)

If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

Mankind are tolerant of the praises of others as long as each hearer thinks that he can do as well or nearly as well himself, but, when the speaker rises above him, jealousy is aroused and he begins to be incredulous.

Jealousy is the very reverse of understanding, of sympathy, and of generous feeling. Never has jealousy added to character, never does it make the individual big and fine.

Jimmy Stewart said he stopped making movies because he didn't like the way he looked on screen anymore. I'm more the guy who says I look like hell but I'm going to see where it gets me.

Envy and jealousy stem from the fundamental inability to rejoice at someone else's happiness or success