P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

I'm not a parenting expert by any means, but I've been interviewing and writing about kids for almost 20 years.

The best parenting advice I ever got was from a labor nurse who told me the following: 1. After your baby gets here, the dog will just be a dog. 2. The terrible twos last through age three. 3. Never ask your child an open-ended question, such as "Do you want to go to bed now?" You won't want to hear the answer, believe me. "Do you want me to carry you upstairs, or do you want to walk upstairs to go to bed?" That way, you get the outcome you want and they feel empowered.

Instead of yelling and spanking, which don't work anyway, I believe in finding creative ways to keep their attention - turning things into a game, for instance. And, when they do something good, positive reinforcement and praise.

Many people must have noticed the intense attention given by children to the conversation of grown-ups when they cannot possibly be understanding a word of what they hear. They are trying to get hold of words, and they often demonstrate this fact by repeating joyously some word which they have been able to grasp.

I've worked a lot with kids before. They can be very, very difficult, just because they're kids.

One thing I've learned is that preschool teachers really have seen it all - and they can be a wealth of information! If you have any questions about a certain behavioral hurdle with your child or if you have a question about a certain age or phase, ask them!

Emotions interest me, and I'm fascinated by how a child's mind works.

I know that many people disagree with the way I disciplined my child. I also understand after meeting with a psychologist that there are other alternative ways of disciplining a child that may be more appropriate.

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

Every time I would say put a baby in every scene.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

I have a twenty-month-old baby, a sixteen-year-old boy - same maturity level.

Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has a problem. Then they try to tell us how to fix the child, or else, after blaming the parent, they suggest how we can fix ourselves.

For example, parents who talk a lot to their children have kids with better language skills, parents who spank have children who grow up to be violent, parents who are neither too authoritarian or too lenient have children who are well-adjusted, and so on.

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Every time you give a parent a sense of success or of empowerment, you're offering it to the baby indirectly. Because every time a parent looks at that baby and says 'Oh, you're so wonderful,' that baby just bursts with feeling good about themselves.

Obviously, you want to teach your child between right and wrong, respect and being kind to others, whether it's their sisters or parents. You try to teach them by example, talk to them and explain certain situations. But there's also a time to put them in time out or let them know they've made a mistake and try to learn from it.

Granny bit her lip. She was never quite certain about children, thinking of them-when she thought about them at all-as coming somewhere between animals and people. She understood babies. You put milk in one end and kept the other as clean as possible. Adults were even easier, because they did the feeding and cleaning themselves. But in between was a world of experience that she had never really inquired about. As far as she was aware, you just tried to stop them catching anything fatal and hoped that it would all turn out all right.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

The only form of action open to a child is to break something or strike someone, its mother or another child; it cannot cause things to happen in the world.

Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.