Jimmy Fallon Quotes

I got my dad a great father's Day present. He called to say: 'Ach. Zis present is so good I now think it vas almost vorth having children.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

My dad's a funny guy.

So, your dad's hot." "Thanks. He was that way when I met him, so I can't really take credit.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.

Did you use a chainsaw?" Joey said. "I seem to recall you like chainsawa." "There wasn't a power outlet." Clay turned to me. "That's what I want for Father's Day, darling. A gas powered chainsaw.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I'm a pitchman, my business comes from the pitch, nothing else.

Advertising is a wonderful lubricant for business, if it's used properly.

Our dad was a great guy and we will never forget him.

Everyone is someone else's catalyst for selling something these days.

Advertising moves people toward goods; merchandising moves goods toward people.

My daughter's first sentence was, 'Dada no hair.' And I was, like, 'No Jasmine, Dada does have hair, Dada just shaves his head.'

My Dad is my hero.

Advertising is the life of trade.

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.

When Dad died in 1998, it really hit my confidence - he'd helped me write and he thought I was really funny, but since he'd died I didn't feel right. And it felt like no one but me even remembered him.

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.

Marketing is everything.

I think back to the day I drove Michelle and a newborn Malia home from the hospital nearly 11 years ago - crawling along, miles under the speed limit, feeling the weight of my daughter's future resting in my hands. I think about the pledge I made to her that day: that I would give her what I never had - that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father. I knew that day that my own life wouldn't count for much unless she had every opportunity in hers.

Rafe grinned. "So we are dating?" "No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate." I turned to my parents. "We have Kenji. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't officially dating, I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need." Dad chocked on his coffee.

The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.

I'd like to thank Sony for their gracious hospitality, and for not repeatedly punching me in the face. If I seem a little nervous, it's because Kevin Butler was introduced to me backstage as the VP of sharpening things.