Mallory Ortberg Quotes

Somebody warned me early on to be very careful about brushing up against the chocolate.

There's nothing going into my mouth that's not wrapped.

Most food you drop is still perfectly edible. If it was in your eyesight the whole time, you can pick it up and eat it.

Those who store, package, and sell the food we serve our families have a responsibility to maintain basic standards of cleanliness in their facilities.

The Lebanese don’t know what they’re eating, and it would only be worse if they knew…. The Lebanese are eating food dipped in sweat and covered with diseases and microbes…. But the people should have this information.

We need to always be vigilant on the sanitary issues.

Let him not throw urine or feces into the water, nor saliva, nor clothes defiled by impure substances, nor any other impurity, nor blood, nor poisonous things.

Don't spit in the soup. We've all got to eat.

When you become a parent, you start loving diapers.

I'm a germophobe, so I don't like people talking over my food, breathing, spitting, anything. Just let me eat in peace.

People have to clearly see the connection between their family's health and their sanitation habits.

I am deeply sorry that people got sick from eating at our restaurants. It's the worst thing that can happen.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Gonzo narrows his eyes. 'How often do you clean that thing?' 'Every night,' the waitress answers. Her smile is strained. 'That's it? Do you know how long it takes for Listeria to grow under those hot lamps, even with ice?' Here we go. 'It can happen in just five hours. Five hours and you've got the salad bar of death!' The waitress looks confused. 'From Listerine?

When I was little, whenever I got out of the shower, I never wanted to touch the floor because once you touch the floor, your feet are dirty again. So in the shower, I used to put my socks on already without drying them off.

It is impossible to insure that there is a zero percent chance of any kind of foodborne illness anytime anyone eats anywhere.

I clip hand sanitizer to my purse. I used to be a babysitter back in the day, so I got germaphobic.

Not really a good idea to eat things fans have made because you don't know what state of mind they were in when they made them.

As any parent knows, sharing diaper duty sure beats changing them all yourself.

I wash my hands constantly in the kitchen, so they're always dry.

Filthy does not equal unhealthy, necessarily.

I'm not keen on the English way of eating outside, on the street. I want food that is clean, not impregnated with toxic fumes.

If you don't wash dishes properly, you will get ill. And you will lose friends because they'll come to your house, you'll give them tea in a filthy cup, and they'll never see you again.

A diaper is as inspiring as a drink.

The humble latrine, or flush toilet, reduces disease by twice as much as just putting in clean water.