Marriage Humor Quotes

My wife and I have what's known as mixed marriage. I am a Methodist, she is a Muslim. So we're keeping it in the M's.

I introduce her as the love of my life everywhere that we go. She introduces me as her current husband. So you can see how the relationship kinda works here.

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.

Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!

I've had that conversation! "You had a minute! Why didn't you do that?" So if husbands could read our minds that would be great.

Literally, my honeymoon was driving to Chicago.

My wife tells me one day, 'I think you love baseball more than me.' I say, 'Well, I guess that's true, but hey, I love you more than football and hockey.'

according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm.

I like cookery shows much more than my husband, so I put them on the minute he goes away.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

On every birthday, I ask my wife, 'What would you like this year?' and her instant reply is, 'Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!' I'm always living in hope that one day she'll say she just wants me!

I told my wife, 'One woman, lots of toys!'

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The reason they're called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled - it's just the opposite!

To my everlasting relief, he’d also stopped with the starch a few years back . The military made him big on spray starch, but I point-blank refused to touch the stuff after a while. He finally gave up doing it himself, and I manfully restrained myself from pointing out that the world didn’t explode when he did. And they say maturity is just for adults.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

My husband and I click wedding rings sometimes and say, 'By the power of the Castle of Greyskull!'

For her fifth wedding, the bride wore black and carried a scotch and soda.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!