Conservative Humor Quotes

Even conservative columnists tend to prefer humor that isn't fit to print.

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'

Usually, I take a hike for a while after submitting a column to Townhall. Too much of my insensitivity can cause emotional problems among proggies, and I am, after all, a compassionate man.

Talking to liberals is much more fun now that we have Lexis-Nexis.

Indeed, if I understand this global-warming business correctly, the danger is that the waters will rise and drown the whole of Massachusetts, New York City, Long Island, the California coast and a few big cities on the Great Lakes - in other words, every Democratic enclave will be wiped out leaving only the solid Republican heartland. Politically speaking, for conservatives there's no downside to global warming.

Ronald Reagan's idea of a good farm program was Hee Haw.

Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes.

A true fascist is anyone who wants to take away my air conditioning or force me to ride a bike.

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to mix the martinis, one to change the light bulb, and one to reminisce about how good the old one was.

Liberal, shmiberal. That should be a new word. Shmiberal: one who is assumed liberal, just because he's a professional whiner in the newspaper. If you'll read the subtext for many of those old strips, you'll find the heart of an old-fashioned Libertarian. And I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners.

My life is all about owning the libs now.