The existence of other people is essentially awkward.
For heaven’s sake, if you don’t know someone’s name, just pretend you do. Do that thing everyone else does, where you vaguely say, “Nice to see you!” and make weak eye contact.
I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.
I went to a couple Academy Awards parties and I was definitely like, 'Whoa, no one will talk to me.'
It's really hard when you break up with somebody, or somebody breaks up with you, and you're in this band; guess who you have to see in the next day in the hotel in the breakfast room? That person.
Blind dates are treacherous. You don't know who this person is. You wonder, 'Should I call my grandma during coffee to get out of this?'
People, when they come up to me, are like, 'Did we go to high school together? Or did I make out with you at sleepaway camp?' And oftentimes, yes, that is the answer, because I went to a giant high school and made out with everybody.
I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.
Even now I can't stand being recognized in the street. I just hate it when strangers come up and try to talk to me. I'm pathologically shy.
People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.
I just always gravitate toward the kind of characters or people that maybe you don't want to talk to for a long time at a party, but you do like to watch what they're doing.
It's almost embarrassing to be out in public and someone comes up to you and says, 'My mother had the same thing you did.' What do you say? I don't know what to say to make them feel better about their situation.
You've gotta wonder what kind of vibe you're putting out there if you're having really creepy people come talk to you.
I'm not the kind of guy who just goes up to women.
Just because of that one disastrous blind date she had last year, where the guy turned out to be fifty-nine, not thirty-nine (He claimed it was a typo. Yeah, I’m sure his finger just happened to slip two spaces to the left).
Ironically, he'd yet to leave a good impression. First he'd spilled soda on her, next she'd seen him almost involved in a riot, and then this morning she'd believed him to be either lazy or an idiot.
I do spend - I feel like I spend about my first 20 minutes at any cocktail party convincing people that I'm not going to harm them in some way.
dating you would be like a series of unnecessary root canals interspersed with occasional makeout sessions.
I've never been to a class reunion or anything because I'm always afraid of that one - there's going to be some 'Carrie'-like incident.
Been chatting much with Jared?" "We often have special moments where I come into a room and he immediately leaves," Kami said. "I treasure those times.
I love my fan base because they never high-five me; they always get really shifty and hide. Adam Sandler's fan base are like, 'Hey!' and high-five him and want to hang out, but mine go behind pillars and get really freaked out.
When you're surrounded by friends and exes, there's a whole lot of stuff that starts crawling out. But however serious and traumatic those experiences may be to the participant, to the onlooker they're hilarious.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway.
