Chris Gethard Quotes

Everyone wants to be funny. Maybe not everyone, but to an extent.

I'm not a big 'scripted comedy' person necessarily. I'm open for wherever comedy can be found.

I thought that through the strip, I could vent my spleen and be funny at the same time. But when it comes to humor, there's no substitute for reality and politicians.

Being offended is, in itself, an unpleasant sensation, just like pain in your mouth is an unpleasant sensation, but if you have the right amount with the right amount of food, it actually makes the food taste good. So if you have just the right combination, people will laugh despite feeling like it's wrong.

I loved humor. I had that in me.

If you see somebody dressing like me, you know they're purposely trying to dress like me because I dress like nothing.

The thing about comedy is it gives you a platform to expose your own shortcomings, so it becomes a public display of weirdness.

I've always thought MySpace sounds like a new estate agency in central London run by two men who favour large-lapel suits and goatees.

Trump is an amazing comedy writer without realizing it.

I've never been much drawn towards satire of any kind.

A lot of my comedy is to do with being angry, then finding a way to channel that.

In my own mind, I can joke about anything.

I didn't know Johnny Depp could act until he played me.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Said Aristotle unto Plato, 'Have another sweet potato?' Said Plato unto Aristotle, 'Thank you, I prefer the bottle.'

There's certainly a portion of my brain that is always tuned to making wry observations about the world, but that portion of my brain was alive and well before Twitter.

I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem.

Whoever said blondes have more fun hasn't met me.

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

The nice thing about England is that they actually speak English.

I am colored but I offer nothing in the way of extenuating circumstances except the fact that I am the only Negro in the United States whose grandfather on the mother's side was not an Indian chief.

I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.

When Jennie, mother of Winston Churchill invited playwright George Bernard Shaw to lunch, he telegraphed: "Certainly not. What have I done to provoke such an attack on my well-known habits?" She replied, "Know nothing of your habits; hope they are better than your manners."

Men are not to be told anything they might find too painful; the secret depths of human nature, the sordid physicalities, might overwhelm or damage them. For instance, men often faint at the sight of their own blood, to which they are not accustomed. For this reason you should never stand behind one in the line at the Red Cross donor clinic.