WILL DURST

Budget cuts if you're not rich, tax cuts if you are. Less money for those who don't have any and more to those who do. That's how President Fredo says we're going to get out of the giant deficit hole he's dug. You can't put it any more simply. Rich people richer. Poor people poorer.

When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I'm not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars.

Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

President Bush says we've turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we've turned? I think they call that running in circles.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

In San Francisco, Haloween is redundant.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars.

It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

President Bush blames the LA riots on the 60's. Which 60's is he talking about the 1960s or the 1860s when Lincoln freed the slaves?

Bill Clinton smoked Marijuana but he didn't inhale, he spent time with a woman but he didn't sleep with her, he received a draft notice but didn't read it. Why give him the White House; he won't use it.

Maybe it’s that silver spoon in his [Mitt Romney’s] mouth that keeps him from seeing why the middle class doesn’t pull itself up by its bootstraps, like he did when Daddy loaned him his first million dollars.

Budget cuts if you're not rich, tax cuts if you are. Less money for those who don't have any and more to those who do. That's how President Fredo says we're going to get out of the giant deficit hole he's dug. You can't put it any more simply. Rich people richer. Poor people poorer.

President Bush says we've turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we've turned? I think they call that running in circles.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

In San Francisco, Haloween is redundant.

The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.

Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I'm not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.

Voters want a fraud they can believe in.

The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.

The problem is, we have yet to convince the Taliban they are fellow passengers on spaceship Earth.