SUSAN SMITH

I wanted to end my life so bad and was in my car ready to go down that ramp into the water, and I did go part way, but I stopped. I went again and stopped. I then got out of the car and stood by the car a nervous wreck.

I know that my life is going to be hell from here on.

I love my children. That will never change. I have prayed to them for forgiveness and hope that they will forgive me. I never meant to hurt them!!

Michael and Alex, I love you. And we're going to have the biggest celebration when you get home.

I knew from day one, the truth would prevail, but I was so scared I didn't know what to do.

My children, Michael and Alex, are with our Heavenly Father now, and I know that they will never be hurt again. As a mom, that means more than words could ever say.

I have prayed to God that he give me the strength to survive each day and to face those times in my life that will be extremely painful. I have put my total faith in God, and he will take care of me.

I had never felt so lonely and so sad in my entire life.

When I left home, I was going to ride around a little while and then go to my mom's. As I rode and rode and rode, I felt even more anxiety coming upon me about not wanting to live.

I broke down on Thursday, Nov. 3, and told Sheriff Howard Wells the truth. It wasn't easy, but after the truth was out, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders.

I dropped to the lowest point when I allowed my children to go down that ramp into the water without me.

It hurts real bad to have that protection barrier between parent and child.

The hardest part of this whole ordeal is not knowing if your children are getting what they need to survive.

I was in love with someone very much, but he didn't love me and never would. I had a very difficult time accepting that. But I had hurt him very much, and I could see why he could never love me.

I am sorry for what has happened and I know that I need some help.

I don't get to go out but an hour a day.

I don't know why I did it.

I felt I couldn't be a good mom anymore, but I didn't want my children to grow up without a mom. I felt I had to end our lives to protect us from any grief or harm.

I have put my faith in the Lord, and I really believe He's taking care of them. They're too beautiful and precious that He's not going to let anything happen to them.

When I get out... if I get out of here, I hope that maybe we can get back together and have more kids.

I felt like things could never get any worse.

I know now that it is going to be a tough and long road ahead of me.

At this very moment, I don't feel I will be able to handle what's coming.

My children deserve to have the best, and now they will.

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done.