ROBERT MORLEY

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Beware of the conversationalist who adds "In other words."

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

I have never willingly chased a ball.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

We are articulate, but we are not particularly conversational. An Englishman won't talk for the sake of talking. He doesn't mind silence. But after the silence, he sometimes says something.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

COUGHS. These are symptoms, not diseases. Take them to your doctor and he can give you something serious to worry about.

Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.

Names were not so much dropped as thrown in a perpetual game of catch.

If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor, however, it is absolutely essential.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

There is little to compare with the thrill of standing next to the creature in the winner's enclosure avoiding his hooves and receiving the congratulations of the press, your trainer and friends who backed it. What makes the experience so satisfying is that you, the owner, have had absolutely nothing to do with the horse winning.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

If in the paddock the owner is surrounded by a herd of young children, don't back his horse. But if the owner is accompanied by a beautiful lady, plunge to the hilt.

COUGHS. These are symptoms, not diseases. Take them to your doctor and he can give you something serious to worry about.

I have never willingly chased a ball.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

Fat men get knocked over by buses no earlier, nor later, than thin men. And I, for one, have buried most of my thin friends.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

A man who has his initials on his pyjamas must be uncertain of himself. Surely you should know who you are at bed time.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.

We are articulate, but we are not particularly conversational. An Englishman won't talk for the sake of talking. He doesn't mind silence. But after the silence, he sometimes says something.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

Beware of the conversationalist who adds "In other words."

If the critics were always right we should be in deep trouble.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.