RICHARD ARMOUR

Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.

In larger things we are convivial; what causes trouble is the trivial.

Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other's faults.

I love a finished speaker, I really, truly do I don't mean one who's polished, I just mean one who's through.

Middle -age is the time of life, that a man first notices - in his wife.

When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less.

Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.

Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'.

It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then.

I've suffered from all of the hang-ups known, and none is as bad as the telephone.

Some golfers blast their ball from traps, With one adroit explosion, But others, out in ten perhaps, Depend upon erosion.

If I ever make a hole in one, A thrill that I've never known, I won't be believed and I'll have no fun, For I'm sure to be playing alone.

Book burning is a charming old custom, hallowed by antiquity. It has been practiced for centuries by fascists, communists, atheists, school children, rival authors, and tired librarians. Like everything of importance since the invention of the cloak and the shroud, its origins are cloaked in mystery and shrouded in secrecy. Some scholars believe that the first instance of book burning occurred in the Middle Ages, when a monk was trying to illuminate a manuscript. All agree that book burning was almost non-existent during the period when books were made of stone.

Although practice swings Can be helpful things, Twere better, indeed, not take any Than to fiddle and fret And before playing get Exhausted from taking too many.

If only I kept my eye on the ball, Looking downward as does the pro there, I might not see where it was going, at all, But there might be a chance it would go there.

G is for Green, that's constructed to roll in every direction away from the hole.

[Beowolf] is considered an epic because of its long speeches, its digressions, its repetition, and its being required.

I miss my mattress when I am gone; It's one thing I've made an impression on.

Adolescence isn't a period; it's a coma.

The bride, white of hair, is stooped over her cane Her faltering footsteps need guiding. While down the church aisle, with wan toothless smile, The groom in a wheelchair comes riding. And who is this elderly couple you ask? You'll find, when you've closely explored it, That here is that rare, most conservative pair, Who waited 'til they could afford it.

Rockefeller made his money in oil, which he discovered at the bottom of wells. Oil was considered crude in those days, but so was Rockefeller. Now both are considered quite refined.

There is no balm of Gilead, No salve, no soothing ointment To stay the pain of one who's had In love a disappointment-- Unless it be that healing lotion Of fixing on a new devotion.

Good sportsmanship we hail, we sing, It's always pleasant when you spot it. There's only one unhappy thing: You have to lose to prove that you've got it.