OLIVER HERFORD

Only the young die good.

What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

When I go abroad I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.

Age, like distance lends a double charm.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it gains a certain polish.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.

Many are called but few get up.

A man must love a thing very much if he not only practices it without any hope of fame and money, but even... without any hope of doing it well.

Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

There is always room at the top - after the investigation.

Tact: to lie about others as you would have them lie about you.

A man is known by the silence he keeps.

Diplomacy: lying in state.

The Elf and the Dormouse UNDER a toadstool crept a wee Elf, Out of the rain to shelter himself. Under the toadstool, sound asleep, Sat a big Dormouse all in a heap. Trembled the wee Elf, frightened and yet Fearing to fly away lest he get wet. To the next shelter-maybe a mile! Sudden the wee Elf smiled a wee smile. Tugged till the toadstool toppled in two. Holding it over him, gaily he flew. Soon he was safe home, dry as could be. Soon woke the Dormouse-"Good gracious me!" "Where is my toadstool?" loud he lamented. -And that's how umbrellas first were invented.

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony.

Some take their gold in minted mold, and some in harps thereafter, but give me mine in bubbles fine and keep the change in laughter.

Gather kittens while you may, Time brings only sorrow; And the kittens of today; Will be old cats tomorrow.

Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.

Song is the licensed medium for bawling in public things too silly or sacred to be uttered in ordinary speech.

My wife has a whim of iron.

A pest is a person who can talk like an encyclopedia, and does.