MALCOLM BRADBURY

If God had meant us to have group sex, I guess he'd have given us all more organs.

Life is a crisis - so what!

Culture is a way of coping with the world by defining it in detail.

Here we have a saying: a good friend is someone who visits you when you are in prison. But a really good friend is someone who comes to hear your lectures.

Only the old are innocent. That is what the Victorians understood, and the Christians. Original sin is a property of the young. The old grow beyond corruption very quickly.

But you are involved in the world, and your actions have consequences for other people, and if you don't recognize that, then that's the supreme kind of cruelty. Everyone shares someone else's fate to some extent.

Most beds aren't as intimate as people think they are.

I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.

My experience of ships is that on them one makes an interesting discovery about the world. One finds one can do without it completely.

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

Only the old are innocent. That is what the Victorians understood, and the Christians. Original sin is a property of the young. The old grow beyond corruption very quickly.

The English are polite by telling lies. The Americans are polite by telling the truth.

My experience of ships is that on them one makes an interesting discovery about the world. One finds one can do without it completely.

I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.

Culture is a way of coping with the world by defining it in detail.

English history is all about men liking their fathers, and American history is all about men hating their fathers and trying to burn down everything they ever did.

Liberals think that goats are sheep from broken homes.

If God had been a Liberal there wouldn't have been Ten Commandments, there would have been Ten Suggestions.

I've noticed your hostility towards him... I ought to have guessed you were friends.

Life is a crisis - so what!

Here we have a saying: a good friend is someone who visits you when you are in prison. But a really good friend is someone who comes to hear your lectures.

The whole point of marriage is to stop you getting anywhere near real life. You think it's a great struggle with the mystery of being. It's more like being smothered in warm cocoa. There's sex, but it's not what you think. Marvellous, for the first fortnight. Then every Wednesday. If there isn't a good late-night concert on the Third. Meanwhile you become a biological functionary. An agent of the great female womb, spawning away, dumping its goods in your lap for succour. Daddy, daddy, we're here, and we're expensive.

With sociology one can do anything and call it work

The better class of Briton likes to send his children away to school until they're old and intelligent enough to come home again. Then they're too old and intelligent to want to.

Reading someone else's newspaper is like sleeping with someone else's wife. Nothing seems to be precisely in the right place, and when you find what you are looking for, it is not clear then how to respond to it.

On many American campuses the only qualification for admission was the ability actually to find the campus and then discover a parking space.

But you are involved in the world, and your actions have consequences for other people, and if you don't recognize that, then that's the supreme kind of cruelty. Everyone shares someone else's fate to some extent.

I've often thought that my scruples about stealing books were the only thing that stood in the way of my being a really great scholar.

Most beds aren't as intimate as people think they are.

If God had meant us to have group sex, I guess he'd have given us all more organs.

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.

To put it another way: a conference is an elite meeting on equal terms; a congress is a group of elites meeting on opposite terms; a convention is a mob meeting on equal terms; a course is an elite instructing a mob; and a colloquium is a group capable of considering all these phenomena.