To be honest dinner conversations was the worst bit about being a child and listening to the boring people around me.
When I go to Ohio to visit relatives on holidays, I am often astonished by the level of casual dismissal offered up by way of discussion.
I find weddings really boring. They give speeches, your aunt kisses you on the cheek, and you're at a boring table. But it's different when it's your own.
In spite of my conviction that a group of deliberately assembled relatives can be one of the dullest, if not most dangerous, gatherings in the world, I am smugly foolhardly enough to have invited all my available family, more than once, to dine with me.
“There’s my baby!” I cried, quite carried away. “There’s my Poochiekins!” Ammit ran at me and leaped into my arms, nuzzling me with his rough snout. “My lord Osiris!” Disturber lost the bottom of his scroll again, which unraveled around his legs. “This is an outrage!” “Sadie,” Dad said firmly, “please do not refer to the Devourer of Souls as Poochiekins.”
My mother only ever said two things. She said,'I don't know, dear.'And she said,'Can I get you a sandwich, honey?
I lived in the house with my mother so she had no choice but to hear what I was doing. I would ask her for her opinion. I used to like doing that because I would let my friends hear what I did, but they listened to it on another level. My mom listened to it with a different ear, because she's older.
Too often, tributes to the home-cooked meal assume every family has a schedule that gets everyone home by 5:30 P.M. And too many recipes treat cooking as a solitary pursuit that requires the cook - still most often Mom - to take time away from other family interactions and chores.
Now, I have nothing to say against uncles in general. They are usually very excellent people, and very convenient to little boys and girls.
When people hear I have six kids and 16 grandkids, they think, 'Oh, boy, you must get a lot of stories from them.' I don't. It's not like I'm behind the sofa in the living room taking notes while the grandkids carry on.
You don't need too much to have an agenda of how to father. You just have to be a good person. The interactions at home between you and your spouse and the way you deal with your kids in certain situations, that's what they take.
As for those whose role it is to love us - I mean, relatives and in-laws (what a word)- It's a different tune. They find the right word, but it's usually the one that wounds.
Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well. Algernon. I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. Lady Bracknell. That’s not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together.
Ever since we were little - and this goes from when we were babies through high school - everyone always said, 'The twins are so entertaining. Just sit down with them for five minutes, and you will see so much happen. They will fight, they will laugh, they will love each other, and then they will tell each other off.'
Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them. Mom: I haven't seen them. Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!
I remember going to friends' houses and being fascinated when they got into fights with their siblings.
The real test of your Christianity is not how pious you look at the Lord's table on Sunday, but how you act at the breakfast table at home. If it takes two cups of coffee to make you fit to live with, you had better go to the mourner's bench.
'Modern Family' is unique in that it's telling the story of three different families, which is a huge amount of characters to service.
The society of my relatives can only be enjoyed with frequent intervals.
We're travelling through space and time, we're dealing with gods and monsters, but at the heart of the film, from my perspective, is a family - a father, two sons, two brothers, a mother and the fractious, intimate interaction that they have.
As a kid, I loved to dress up as Ian Dury and run around hitting people with drumsticks. Members of my family, neighbours, friends, kids at school - no one was safe from my rhythm sticks.
I love getting up to my folks' house and playing golf with Dad. He's very involved with my off-course ventures, and I talk to him every third day.
We look for opportunities to play together including basketball, tennis, swimming, riding bikes and touch football. I try to provide a loving environment where we can play. I think that's good on so many levels - emotionally, for family interactions and, of course, physically.
I'm endlessly fascinated with the ways families work and the ways they don't.
I used to take a recorder around and interview my parents and do impressions of my classmates as guests on my show.
