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Quote Author Cited
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Mark Twain
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. Mark Twain
It is easier to stay out than get out. Mark Twain
Prosperity is the best protector of principle. Mark Twain
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. Mark Twain
The lack of money is the root of all evil. Mark Twain
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain
A country without a patent office and good patent laws was just a crab and couldn't travel anyway but sideways and backwards. Mark Twain
Nothing needs reforming more than someone else’s habit. Mark Twain
History doesn’t repeat itself, but it rhymes. Mark Twain
Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws … Mark Twain
The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it. Mark Twain
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Mark Twain
No people in the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion. Mark Twain
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. Mark Twain
I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Mark Twain
The rain ...falls upon the just and the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were superintending the rain's affairs. Mark Twain
Morals are an acquirement -- like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis -- no man is born with them. Mark Twain
Right now some future general is lying in his crib trying to get his big toe in his mouth. Such was probably the case of our guest of honor tonight. Mark Twain
How you can win the population for war: At first, the statesman will invent cheap lying, that impute the guilt of the attacked nation, and each person will be happy over this deceit, that calm the conscience. It will study it detailed and refuse to test arguments of the other opinion. So he will convince step for step even therefrom that the war is just and thank God, that he, after this process of grotesque even deceit, can sleep better Mark Twain
Even if you’re on the right track, you can get run over if your not going fast enough. Mark Twain
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards. Mark Twain
Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'. Mark Twain
It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago--she outgrows her prophecies faster than she can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time. Mark Twain
We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us. Mark Twain
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain
Faith is believing what you know ain’t so. Mark Twain
Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason Mark Twain
I suppose that an honest man shines more in politics than he does elsewhere. Mark Twain
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons in any other land. Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards. I am not only marching with them but am carrying the banner. Mark Twain
First, God made idiots, but that was just for practice. Then he made school boards. Mark Twain
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler. Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not Mark Twain
I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed except the answer to prayer Mark Twain
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before. Mark Twain
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Mark Twain
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Mark Twain
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Mark Twain
We ought never to do wrong when anyone is looking. Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out...and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel. ..And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man"--with his mouth. Mark Twain
An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war. Mark Twain
All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it. Mark Twain
We build a fire in a powder magazine, then double the fire department to put it out. We inflame wild beasts with the smell of blood, and then innocently wonder at the wave of brutal appetite that sweeps the land as a consequence. Mark Twain
One of the very most useful of all inventions, but rendered almost worthless & a cold & deliberate theft & swindle by the black scoundrelism & selfishness of the companies of chartered robbers who conduct it. Mark Twain
There isn't a rich man in your vast city who doesn't perjure himself every year before the tax board. They are all caked with perjury, many layers thick. Iron-clad, so to speak. If there is one that isn't, I desire to acquire him for my museum, and will pay Dinosaur rates. Mark Twain
I not only advocate it now, but have advocated it earnestly for the last fifty years. As to the militant suffragettes, I have noted that many women believe in militant methods. You might advocate one way of securing the rights and I might advocate another, they both might help to bring about the result desired. To win freedom always involves hard fighting. I believe in women doing what they deem necessary to secure their rights. Mark Twain
All that we require of a voter is that he shall be forked, wear pantaloons instead of petticoats, and bear a more or less humorous resemblance to the reported image of God. He need not know anything whatever; he may be wholly useless and a cumberer of the earth; he may even be known to be a consummate scoundrel. No matter. While he can steer clear of the penitentiary his vote is as weighty as the vote of a president, a bishop, a college professor, a merchant prince. We brag of our universal, unrestricted suffrage; but we are shams after all, for we restrict when we come to the women. Mark Twain
… since the women started out on their crusade they have scored in every project they undertook against unjust laws. I would like to see them help make the laws and those who are to enforce them. I would like to see the whiplash in women's hands. Mark Twain
Women, go your ways! Seek not to beguile us of our imperial privileges. Content yourself with your little feminine trifles -- your babies, your benevolent societies and your knitting--and let your natural bosses do the voting. Stand back -- you will be wanting to go to war next. We will let you teach school as much as you want to, and we will pay you half wages for it, too, but beware! we don't want you to crowd us too much. Mark Twain
Eloquence is the essential thing in a speech, not information. Mark Twain
Right here in this heart and home and fountain-head of law--in this great factory where are forged those rules that create good order and compel virtue and honesty in the other communities of the land, rascality achieves its highest perfection. Here rewards are conferred for conniving at dishonesty, but never for exposing it Mark Twain
How unfortunate and how narrowing a thing it is for a man to have wealth who makes a god of it instead of a servant. Mark Twain
During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry.....There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Mark Twain
There are wise people who talk ever so knowingly and complacently about "the working classes," and satisfy themselves that a day's hard intellectual work is very much harder than a day's hard manual toil, and is righteously entitled to much bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you know, because they all know about the one, but haven't tried the other. But I know all about both; and as far as I am concerned, there isn't money enough in the universe to hire me to swing a pickaxe thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of intellectual work for just as near nothing as you can cipher it down--and I will be satisfied, too. Intellectual "work" is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation and its own highest reward. The poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author, sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor, preacher, singer, is constructively in heaven when he is at work; and as for the magician with the fiddle-bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a great orchestra with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound washing over him--why certainly, he is at work, if you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just the same. The law of work does seem utterly unfair--but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, also. Mark Twain
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. Mark Twain
A railroad is a ravenous destroyer of towns, unless those towns are put at the end of it and a sea beyond, so that you can't go further and find another terminus. And it is shaky trusting them, even then Mark Twain
The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example. Mark Twain
That desire which is in us all to better other people's condition by having them think as we think. Mark Twain
So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is." Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. Mark Twain
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.... Mark Twain
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions. Mark Twain
I am said to be a revolutionist in my sympathies, by birth, by breeding and by principle. I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Mark Twain
No people in the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed must being in blood, whatever may answer afterward. Mark Twain
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. Mark Twain
An honest man in politics shines more there than he would elsewhere. Mark Twain
The new political gospel: public office is private graft. Mark Twain
… in a republic where all are free and equal--prosperity and position constitute rank. Mark Twain
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Mark Twain
… nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. Mark Twain
PUBLIC SERVANT: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft. Mark Twain
I was a mugwump. We, the mugwumps, a little company made up of the unenslaved of both parties, the very best men to be found in the two great parties--that was our idea of it--voted sixty thousand strong for Mr. Cleveland in New York and elected him. Our principles were high, and very definite. We were not a party; we had no candidates; we had no axes to grind. Our vote laid upon the man we cast it for no obligation of any kind. By our rule we could not ask for office; we could not accept office. When voting, it was our duty to vote for the best man, regardless of his party name. We had no other creed. Vote for the best man--that was creed enough. Mark Twain
...on every sin which a colored man commits, the just white man must make a considerable discount, because of the colored man's antecedents. The heirs of slavery cannot with any sort of justice, be required to be as clear and straight and upright as the heirs of ancient freedom. And besides, whenever a colored man commits an unright action, upon his head is the guilt of only about one tenth of it, and upon your heads and mine and the rest of the white race lies fairly and justly the other nine tenths of the guilt. Mark Twain
In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. Mark Twain
...the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation ALL the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it. Mark Twain
… at the close of the Spanish-American War the United States paid poor decrepit old Spain $20,000,000 for the Philippines. It was just a case of this country buying its way into good society. Honestly, when I read in the papers that this deal had been made, I laughed until my sides ached. There were the Filipinos fighting like blazes for their liberty. Spain would not hear to it. The United States stepped in, and after they had licked the enemy to a standstill, instead of freeing the Filipinos they paid that enormous amount for an island which is of no earthly account to us; just wanted to be like the aristocratic countries of Europe which have possessions in foreign waters. The United States wanted to be in the swim, and it, too, had to branch out, like an American heiress buying a Duke or an Earl. Mark Twain
...to make a pledge of any kind is to declare war against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is always clanking and reminding the wearer of it that he is not a free man. Mark Twain
Territorial Governors -- are nothing but politicians who go out to the outskirts of countries and suffer the privations there in order to build up stakes and come back as United States Senators. Mark Twain
No matter how healthy a man's morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pock-marked soul. Mark Twain
History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Mark Twain
Speaking in general terms it was always easy to get any print to say any injurious thing about a citizen in a newspaper, but it was next to impossible to get that paper or any other to right an injured man. Mark Twain
The lottery is a government institution & the poor its best patrons. Mark Twain
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world--and never will. Mark Twain
Loyalty is a word which has worked vast harm; for it has been made to trick men into being "loyal" to a thousand iniquities Mark Twain
But men's hearts are so made that the sight of one voluntary victim for a noble idea stirs them more deeply than the sight of a crowd submitting to a dire fate they cannot escape. Mark Twain
I do not know why we respect missionaries. Perhaps it is because they have not intruded here from Turkey or China or Polynesia to break our hearts by sapping away our children's faith & winning them to the worship of alien gods. We have lacked the opportunity to find out how a parent feels to see his child deriding & blaspheming the religion of its ancestors. Mark Twain
Your notion and mine about polygamy is without doubt exactly the same; but you probably think we have some cause of quarrel with those people for putting it into their religion, whereas I think the opposite. Considering our complacent cant about this country of ours being the home of liberty of conscience, it seems to me that the attitude of our Congress and people toward the Mormon Church is matter for limitless laughter and derision. The Mormon religion is a religion: the negative vote of all of the rest of the globe could not break down that fact; and so I shall probably always go on thinking that the attitude of our Congress and nation toward it is merely good trivial stuff to make fun of. Mark Twain
It takes a thousand men to invent a telegraph, or a steam engine, or a phonograph, or a photograph, or a telephone, or any other Important thing--and the last man gets the credit and we forget the others. Mark Twain
Irreverence is another person's disrespect to your god; there isn't any word that tells what your disrespect to his god is. Mark Twain
Every great invention takes a livelihood away from 50,000 men--& within ten years creates a livelihood for half a million. Mark Twain
The thing which has made Labor great & powerful is labor-saving machinery--& nothing else in the world could have done it. It has been labor's savior, benefactor; but Labor doesn't know it, & would ignorantly crucify it. But that is human & natural. Mark Twain
In my experience, only third-rate intelligence is sent to Legislatures to make laws, because the first-rate article will not leave important private interests go unwatched to go and serve the public for a beggarly four or five dollars a day, and a miserably trivial distinction Mark Twain
… we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. Mark Twain
...it's so hard to find men of a so high type of morals that they'll stay bought. Mark Twain
There's a breed of humility which is itself a species of showing off. Mark Twain
This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. Mark Twain
The fact is the human race is not only slow about borrowing valuable ideas--it sometimes persists in not borrowing them at all. Mark Twain
There is Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables up to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it. Mark Twain
Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. Mark Twain
Independence .... is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes. Mark Twain
I learned to pull wires in the Washoe Legislature, & my experience is, that when a bill is to be put through a body like that, the only thing necessary to insure success is to get the reporters to log-roll for it. Mark Twain
Even if the Jews have not all been geniuses, their general average of intelligence and intellectuality is far above our general average--and that is one of our reasons for wishing to drive them out of the higher forms of business and the professions. It is the swollen envy of pigmy minds--meanness, injustice. Mark Twain
On the whole, it is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. Mark Twain
Public shows of honor are pleasant, but private ones are pleasanter, because they are above suspicion. Mark Twain
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Mark Twain
The human race consists of the dangerously insane and such as are not. Mark Twain
Doesn't make any difference who we are or what we are, there's always somebody to look down on. Mark Twain
[Humanity] is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong, but no matter, the crowd follows it. Mark Twain
...history can carry on no successful competition with news, in the matter of sharp interest. When an eye-witness sets down in narrative form some extraordinary occurrence which he has witnessed, that is news -- that is the news form, and its interest is absolutely indestructible; time can have no deteriorating effect upon that episode. Mark Twain
A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it. Mark Twain
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain
One of the most admirable things about history is, that almost as a rule we get as much information out of what it does not say as we get out of what it does say.… history consists of two equal parts; one of these halves is statements of fact, the other half is inference, drawn from the facts. To the experienced student of history there are no difficulties about this; to him the half which is unwritten is as clearly and surely visible, by the help of scientific inference, as if it flashed and flamed in letters of fire before his eyes. When the practiced eye of the simple peasant sees the half of a frog projecting above the water, he unerringly infers the half of the frog which he does not see. To the expert student in our great science, history is a frog; half of it is submerged, but he knows it is there, and he knows the shape of it. Mark Twain
The minor events of history are valuable, although not always showy and picturesque. Mark Twain
What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. Mark Twain
Our heroes are the men who do things which we recognize with regret and sometimes with a secret shame that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself there would be no heroes. Mark Twain
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered--either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain
The government is not best which secures mere life and property -- there is a more valuable thing -- manhood. Mark Twain
...nations have no command over their governments, & in fact no influence over them, except of a fleeting & rather ineffectual sort. Mark Twain
That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. Mark Twain
...no country can be well governed unless its citizens as a body keep religiously before their minds that they are the guardians of the law and that the law officers are only the machinery for its execution, nothing more. Mark Twain
The mania for giving the Government power to meddle with the private affairs of cities or citizens is likely to cause endless trouble, through the rivalry of schools and creeds that are anxious to obtain official recognition, and there is great danger that our people will lose our independence of thought and action which is the cause of much of our greatness, and sink into the helplessness of the Frenchman or German who expects his government to feed him when hungry, clothe him when naked, to prescribe when his child may be born and when he may die, and, in fine, to regulate every act of humanity from the cradle to the tomb, including the manner in which he may seek future admission to paradise. Mark Twain
...the liberty of the Press is called the Palladium of Freedom, which means, in these days, the liberty of being deceived, swindled, and humbugged by the Press and paying hugely for the deception. Mark Twain
It is a free press...There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press. Mark Twain
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. Mark Twain
As an active privilege, it [freedom of speech] ranks with the privilege of committing murder; we may exercise it if we are willing to take the consequences. Mark Twain
In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead. In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead. Mark Twain
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain
How empty is theory in the presence of fact! Mark Twain
Evolution is a blind giant who rolls a snowball down a hill. The ball is made of flakes--circumstances. They contribute to the mass without knowing it. They adhere without intention, and without foreseeing what is to result. When they see the result they marvel at the monster ball and wonder how the contriving of it came to be originally thought out and planned. Whereas there was no such planning, there was only a law: the ball once started, all the circumstances that happened to lie in its path would help to build it, in spite of themselves. Mark Twain
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. Mark Twain
... a man's first duty is to his own conscience and honor; the party and country come second to that, and never first. Mark Twain
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog Mark Twain
I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. … I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other. Mark Twain
… where every man in a state has a vote, brutal laws are impossible. Mark Twain
… the principle of give and take--give one and take ten--the principle of diplomacy. Mark Twain
Human beings feel dishonor the most, sometimes, when they most deserve it. Mark Twain
...our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows. Mark Twain
Evidence...proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it. Mark Twain
Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden. Mark Twain
Custom is petrification; nothing but dynamite can dislodge it for a century. Mark Twain
Often the less there is to justify a traditional custom the harder it is to get rid it. Mark Twain
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. Mark Twain
Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one--the solitary one--that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices--the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Mark Twain
… a country's laws are written upon paper, and that its customs are engraved upon brass. One may play with the one, but not with the other. It is less risky for a stranger to dance upon our Constitution in the public square than to affront one of our solidified customs. The one is merely eminently respectable, the other is sacred. Mark Twain
Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant. Mark Twain
… loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. Mark Twain
… in a republic, who is "the Country"? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "the Country"? Is it the newspaper? is it the pulpit? Is it the school superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in a thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Who are the thousand--that is to say, who are "the Country"? Mark Twain
It is curious--curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare. Mark Twain
Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. Mark Twain
Evidence...proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it. Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect). Mark Twain
Conformity--the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority. Mark Twain
The wronger a conspiracy is, the better it is. Mark Twain
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can. Mark Twain
...the smallest minds and the selfishest souls and the cowardliest hearts that God makes. Mark Twain
Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues. Mark Twain
...I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman. Mark Twain
Of all our public men of today he stands first in my reverence & admiration, & the next one stands two-hundred-&-twenty-fifth. He is the only statesman we have now. ... Cleveland drunk is a more valuable asset to this country than the whole batch of the rest of our public men sober. He is high-minded; all his impulses are great & pure & fine. I wish we had another of this sort. Mark Twain
Communism is idiocy. They want to divide up the property. Suppose they did it -- it requires brains to keep money as well as make it. In a precious little while the money would be back in the former owner's hands and the communist would be poor again. Mark Twain
Our Civil War was a blot on our history, but not as great a blot as the buying and selling of Negro souls. Mark Twain
The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted. Mark Twain
Is it, perhaps, possible that there are two kinds of Civilization--one for home consumption and one for the heathen market? Mark Twain
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he less savage than the other savages. Mark Twain
The peoples furthest from civilization are the ones where equality between man and woman are furthest apart Mark Twain
Civilization largely consists in hiding human nature. When the barbarian learns to hide it we account him enlightened. Mark Twain
… patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest. Mark Twain
Citizenship should be placed above everything else, even learning. Mark Twain
Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. Mark Twain
… every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution. Mark Twain
In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money. Mark Twain
They are a harmless race when white men either let them alone or treat them no worse than dogs; in fact they are almost entirely harmless anyhow, for they seldom think of resenting the vilest insults or the cruelest injuries. They are quiet, peaceable, tractable, free from drunkenness, and they are as industrious as the day is long. A disorderly Chinaman is rare, and a lazy one does not exist. Mark Twain
There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him--early. Mark Twain
The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetics in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. Mark Twain
This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Mark Twain
We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains--chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment--in a word, Circumstance--and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain. Mark Twain
A man may plan as much as he wants to, but nothing of consequence is likely to come of it until the magician circumstance steps in and takes the matter off his hands. Mark Twain
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule Mark Twain
One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. Mark Twain
Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with. Mark Twain
We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change places with an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it. Mark Twain
… when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me. Mark Twain
There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule--and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Mark Twain
I regard the poor man, in his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly canned, he might be made useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade in that region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first message. My campaign cry will be: "Dessicate the poor working-man; stuff him into sausages.” Mark Twain
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate [on the Stock Market]: when he can't afford it, and when he can. Mark Twain
When I am king, they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved. Mark Twain
[Napoleon Bonaparte] Bonaparte instituted the setting of merit above birth, and also so completely stripped the divinity from royalty that, whereas crowned heads in Europe were gods before, they are only men since, and can never be gods again, but only figure-heads, and answerable for their acts like common clay. Such benefactions as these compensate the temporary harm which Bonaparte and the Revolution did, and leave the world in debt to them for these great and permanent services to liberty, humanity, and progress. Mark Twain
Blasphemy? No, it is not blasphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy; if He is as little as that, He is beneath it. Mark Twain
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice changes...The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it… Mark Twain
More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain [in the Bible.] Mark Twain
The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded the world over; and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name. Mark Twain
Arguments have no chance against petrified training; they wear it as little as the waves wear a cliff. Mark Twain
We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty. Mark Twain
A country which cannot afford Ambassadors' wages should be ashamed to have Ambassadors. Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity--another man's I mean. Mark Twain
...the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor Mark Twain
A statesman gains little by the arbitrary exercise of ironclad authority upon all occasions that offer, for this wounds the just pride of his subordinates, and thus tends to undermine his strength. A little concession, now and then, where it can do no harm is the wiser policy Mark Twain
If we had less statesmanship, we would get along with fewer battleships. Mark Twain
Get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Mark Twain
It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbor adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his … Mark Twain
To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is a finer. Mark Twain
… my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous. Mark Twain
The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is--a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. But a mob without any MAN at the head of it is BENEATH pitifulness. Mark Twain
A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar at the bottom. Mark Twain
the high moral ones cost more because they give tone to a measure. Mark Twain
Theodore Roosevelt would go to Halifax for half a chance to show off and to Hell for a whole one. Mark Twain
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking. Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain
Always respect your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain
There is no sadder thing than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. Mark Twain
The man with a new idea is a crank until his idea succeeds. Mark Twain
All good things arrive unto them that wait – and don’t die in the meantime Mark Twain
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
When in doubt, tell the truth. Mark Twain
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. Mark Twain
There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Mark Twain
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are just putting us on [and acting stupid], or by imbeciles who really mean it. Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before. Mark Twain
The audience likes a speaker with the same weakness and the same virtues that they themselves have. Mark Twain
Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. Mark Twain
… there isn’t anything you can’t stand if you are only born and bred to it.. Mark Twain
The aim of democracy is harmony, it’s goal is brotherhood. Mark Twain
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. Mark Twain
The Church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little. Mark Twain
A little citizenship ought to be taught at the mother’s knee and in the nursery. Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. Mark Twain
… no civilization can be perfect until exact equality between man and woman is included. Mark Twain
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. Mark Twain
It is not parties that make or save countries or that build them to greatness. It is clean men, clean ordinary citizens, the masses. Mark Twain
… my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country; not to its institutions or it’s office holders.. Mark Twain
They want to send me abroad, as a Consul or a Minister …. Good knows, I am mean enough and lazy enough without being a foreign consul. Mark Twain
He lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue. Mark Twain
The English-Speaking race will dominate the earth a hundred years from now, if the sections do not get to fighting with each other. Mark Twain
… the thug is aware that loudness convinces 60 persons where reasoning convinces but one.. Mark Twain
None are so ready to find fault with others as those who do things worthy of blame themselves. Mark Twain
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. Mark Twain
Concentration of power in a political machine is bad.. Mark Twain
The human race is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. Mark Twain
It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man’s character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible. Mark Twain
In order to know a community, one must observe the styles of its funerals and know what manner of men they bury with most ceremony. Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them, than to have them and not deserve them.. Mark Twain
And now, here I was in a country where a right to say how the country should be governed was restricted to six in each thousand of its population. For the 994 to express dissatisfaction with the … system and propose to change it, would have made the whole 6 shudder as one man … It seemed to me that what the 994 dupes needed was a new deal. Mark Twain
In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Mark Twain
… the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race … Properly the Jew ought hardly to be hears of; but he is hears of, has always been heard of … His contributions to the world’s list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are way out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Mark Twain
The slowness of one section of the world about adopting the valuable ideas of another section of it is a curious thing and unaccountable. This form of stupidity is confined to no community, to no nation; it is universal. The fat is the human race is not only slow about borrowing valuable ideas—but sometimes persists in not borrowing them at all. Mark Twain
That is just the way it is with some people. They will get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it. Mark Twain
… when we know a thing we have only scorn for other people who don’t happen to know it. Mark Twain
[In America] there is no end to the laws and no beginning to the execution of them. Mark Twain
The Constitution has made America an asylum for the poor and oppressed of all nations. Mark Twain
The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nations, and from the mass of the nation only—not from its privileged classes. Mark Twain
We are all missionaries (propagandists of our views). Each of us disapproves of the other missionaries. Mark Twain
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. Mark Twain
The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today Mark Twain
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? Mark Twain
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. Mark Twain
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all. Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. Mark Twain
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Mark Twain
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. Mark Twain
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Mark Twain
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. Mark Twain
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. Mark Twain
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. Mark Twain
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. Mark Twain
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Mark Twain
There are lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. Mark Twain
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Mark Twain
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. Mark Twain
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Mark Twain
We have the best government that money can buy. Mark Twain
He is now rising from affluence to poverty. Mark Twain
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. Mark Twain
I never let schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. Mark Twain
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. Mark Twain
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. Mark Twain
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Mark Twain
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Mark Twain
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Mark Twain
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. Mark Twain
All right, then, I'll go to hell. Mark Twain
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. Mark Twain
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Mark Twain
The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' Mark Twain
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. Mark Twain
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. Mark Twain
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. Mark Twain
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. Mark Twain
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. Mark Twain
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Mark Twain
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Mark Twain
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Mark Twain
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. Mark Twain
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. Mark Twain
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own. Mark Twain
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Mark Twain
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. Mark Twain
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. Mark Twain
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. Mark Twain
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. Mark Twain
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.' Mark Twain
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. Mark Twain
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. Mark Twain
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Mark Twain
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Mark Twain
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education. Mark Twain
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain
Necessity is the mother of taking chances. Mark Twain
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. Mark Twain
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. Mark Twain
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. Mark Twain
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. Mark Twain
We are all alike, on the inside. Mark Twain
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Mark Twain
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. Mark Twain
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. Mark Twain
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Mark Twain
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. Mark Twain
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. Mark Twain
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. Mark Twain
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written. Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. Mark Twain
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this. Mark Twain
Buy land, they're not making it anymore. Mark Twain
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. Mark Twain
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. Mark Twain
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. Mark Twain
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. Mark Twain
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. Mark Twain
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. Mark Twain
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Mark Twain
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. Mark Twain
I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time. Mark Twain
All emotion is involuntary when genuine. Mark Twain
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. Mark Twain
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Mark Twain
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. Mark Twain
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Mark Twain
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Mark Twain
I've never let my school interfere with my education. Mark Twain
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Mark Twain
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Mark Twain
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. Mark Twain
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. Mark Twain
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. Mark Twain
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Mark Twain
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. Mark Twain
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. Mark Twain
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. Mark Twain
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. Mark Twain
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. Mark Twain
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain
When in doubt tell the truth. Mark Twain
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain
Better a broken promise than none at all. Mark Twain
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. Mark Twain
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. Mark Twain
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. Mark Twain
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. Mark Twain
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. Mark Twain
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. Mark Twain
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. Mark Twain
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. Mark Twain
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. Mark Twain
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled. Mark Twain
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Mark Twain
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. Mark Twain
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. Mark Twain
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired. Mark Twain
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. Mark Twain
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Mark Twain
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. Mark Twain
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Mark Twain
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. Mark Twain
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. Mark Twain
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. Mark Twain
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. Mark Twain
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. Mark Twain
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. Mark Twain
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. Mark Twain
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read. Mark Twain
I can live for two months on a good compliment. Mark Twain
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. Mark Twain