John Mortimer Quotes

Even on the most serious ballads, I'll throw in a tongue-in-cheek remark.

So, I'm the Eighth Wonder of the World. It's flattering and very, very funny.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

Clap an extinguisher upon your irony if you are unhappily blessed with a vein of it.

I can't help but laugh at how perfect I am.

I hate bacon. And sunshine, as my friends like to point out.

It's not about ego. Really. If it was ego, I'd be telling you about my awesome... oh, never mind.

I'm an idol of cinema? Oh, wow.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

I did as well as might be expected—seated as I was between Jesus Christ and Napoleon.

I'm a very serious person. Unfortunately, sometimes.

When my husband tells our daughter, 'You get that trait from Mom,' she lights up with pride. We all know who he's talking about. And it's not me. I'm fine with this.

I was Sweater Queen at Bowling Green State University. Oh, that's a laugh, isn't it?

Me myself, Brian, I'm a Midwesterner at heart, and I have this deep, bone-dry sense of humor, and I've found it worked to combine this Barbie with a dry, sarcastic man.

I think I'm funnier in my writing than in person.

I have never struggled, and I have never done anything.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I would like to thank a world that never understood or accepted me, family and friends that never believed in me, and a God with one hell of a sense of humor. You have all made me what I am today. Let that weigh heavily on your consciences.

I felt like I didn't have [any] pizzazz, and a lot of girls say I'm out of this world, so I was like I guess I'm from Mars.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I'm so mean I make medicine sick!

I am often thanked by people for inventing the term traditionally built. The people who give me thanks for this are often traditionally built themselves.

You see, I'm fond of teasing, it's a second nature with me—and I'm used to teasing myself. Plaguing myself, if you prefer; I don't tease nicely.

My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass.

I never met a soul in this world as normal as me.