Ralphie May Quotes

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I started performing as a stand-up comedian on my own in the mid-1990s.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long.

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

Stand-up is different from television. In stand-up, you've got to be in control.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

In Manhattan, I often do two or three or more shows a night, so I'm always working on new material.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me. Every night I had a live audience of 25,000 people to win over. My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

Stand-up comedy is the most relaxing thing I do. If I want to unwind and de-stress, I go out and do stand-up, often several shows in a night.

I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.

The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

Stand-up is still my job. That is the thing I wanted to get into when I was 21. You cannot beat the immediacy of it, making people laugh without any interruptions or edits.

I do enjoy Dennis Miller, I do enjoy Chris Rock when they do their political humor, but it's never been my goal... I love relatable humor.

I thought that I was going to be a stand-up comedian or an actress. Turns out, I can't act my way out of a paper bag and stand-up comedy is a lot harder than it appears.

My big dream is to be a late-night host, but it's like, what does that even mean?

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.

Your only guidepost is your own instinct and judicious editing. In my stand-up act I learned that in the first 10 minutes I could say anything and it would get a laugh. Then I'd better deliver. In the movie it's the same thing. You get a lot of laughs when people first sit down and then the story better kick in. Many years in front of an audience, I would hope, give me a sense of what works.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

You gotta have the balls to go out there and be funny, man.

If you're doing stand-up, there is no fourth wall; you're engaging an audience.