Jackie Mason

Quote Topics Cited
In friendships, you expect total trust; in business you expect some dishonesty. But in politics, you not only expect distortion as a way of life but accept it with pleasure. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. Life ;Lobbying & Special Interests
The great crime of the politicians is not just the corrosion of their own morality but the corruption they've caused to the American spirit. Corruption
The purpose is to give me a choice between two positions. If one party includes both positions, you have eliminated my right to choose .... In your determination to win everyone's vote, you could destroy the purpose of voting at all. Political Parties & Machines
The trees are fantastic in Washington. If you're a tree, it's a great town. If you're a person, there's nothing to do. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
You're proving you're a dope who has been duped if you do vote. Hardly a word of truth seems to come from either Presidential candidate, and they want me to confirm their opinion of me as an idiot by helping either of them get elected. Voters, Voting & Elections
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. Future ;Respect
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about. Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times. Humor
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Life ;Money, Coins & Minting
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. Health, Healthcare & Medicine
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future. Future ;Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
Predictions are preposterous. Future